I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I wish you could order shots online.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
