the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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