I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
