there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
