Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
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