When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
