I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
