Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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