Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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