My hand turned me down
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
