even my farts smell like vagina
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
