I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
