i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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