8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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