Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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