If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Drunk is not a location!
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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