I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
