i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
