Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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