Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
