then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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