I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
