I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
You pole danced in your parka.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
