my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
