I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
