I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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