He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
