I'm so fucking centered right now
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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