dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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