i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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