Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
