Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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