just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
