OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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