Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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