I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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