i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
