It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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