Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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