She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
we're making bets on your personal life
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
