Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
