You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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