he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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