There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
