Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
