you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
