I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
