All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
