I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
