The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
