nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
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